Yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks.
It's me again, Sadie the people dog, and I should know. I've been teaching our new, old
dog some old, new tricks for the past couple months.
Ben, a geriatric golden retriever, came to live with us after he lost his human last
November. The Boss insisted on adopting him. The boss lady and I were dubious –
probably the only time this century we'll be in agreement.
Ben is disadvantaged, but then, we can't ALL be English springer spaniels. A golden
retriever is probably the next best thing.
The minute Ben ambled through our door, I clarified the order of rank around here.
First, The Boss. Second, Me. After that, everybody else. Ben just said,
"Whatever." He says that a lot. Ben's very philosophical. That's what won the
boss lady over.
Ben does have a few advantages over me. Like height. He's wheelchair height, which
means he can look The Boss straight in the eye and get in close for a nuzzle.
Ben is mesmerized by The Boss's practice joystick. It lights up and makes beeping
sounds so The Boss can tell when he's moving the joystick left or right, forward or back.
The medical term for that is "bio-feedback." Humans assign medical terms to
simple objects when they want to charge three times what it would cost otherwise.
Whatever, says Ben. He is big into bio-feedback. He moves his nose left and right, back
and forth when the joystick starts beeping.
Ben has also mastered several new tricks I've taught him.
Trick No. 1: Do not let on that you understand all command words humans utter.
Commands are simply a way for humans to stop you from doing what you want to do so
you'll do what THEY want you to do. You'll have to go along with a strategic number of
commands, especially if you want to get extra treats. Be selective. There are certain
"NO! BAD DOG!" commands I'll never, heh-heh, "master." Those are the
ones that mean, roughly: "Stay out of the garbage," or "Stop chasing the
cat," or "Don't steal food off the kitchen counter."
Occasionally it is inconvenient to respond to a command that they know you know. In
those instances:
Trick No. 2: Disregard a command by pretending you didn't hear it.
Look in a direction away from your human and cock your head as if you're listening to a
distant sound. The call of the wild perhaps?
Trick No. 3: Fake enthusiasm about going on the boss lady's morning death marches.
I call them death marches because they're deadly boring. Every time I find something
interesting to sniff or nibble, she yanks on the leash and pulls me away. She attaches
herself to us with a leash because, apparently, she's afraid to walk alone.
It's important to motivate her by pretending we like the walks. She needs the exercise
to stay healthy. If she's not healthy, who will take care of The Boss and feed us?.
Trick No. 4: Do not be constrained by fences. They are not obstacles, but challenges.
Ben has done well following my favorite escape route along the river bank and up the
neighbor's steps. I showed him how he can sneak into another neighbor's yard to feast on
cat food, but he wasn't interested. Well, whatever.
Gosh, am I sounding philosophical? Maybe I'm learning a few new tricks too.