ETIQUETTE TIP: NEVER ABUSE
THE FAMILY DOG
A Widow Bit – July 18, 2010
By Mary Koch

            This was one of the few weekends this summer that I was neither hosting house guests nor being hosted. I wonder if this uptick in visiting is an off-shoot of the “staycation,” the recession strategy of vacationing in our own back yards. If we do travel, it may be thanks to free hospitality.

            That’s the way I was raised. House guests were frequent, and we exchanged the favor, vacationing at the homes of  relatives or friends. In those days, it didn’t take much to host guests – just a fold-out couch in the living room. Guests stood in line for the single bathroom along with the family. Intervening decades and relative affluence mean that guest rooms are the norm now – sometimes even a private bath. In some cases, the computer room functions temporarily as a guest room, but still, privacy is sacrosanct.

            I don’t mean to imply that my guests can’t afford a motel. Mostly my visitors and those I visit are friends who live far enough away that we see each other too rarely and simply want to spend time together. On the other hand, I could not have afforded three weeks in England in May if I’d had to pay for hotels. It wasn’t until after I returned that a friend sent me a reprint of an article that might have been useful: “How to be a Guest in an English Country Home,” written by Mrs. M. L. Rayne in an 1881 edition of Gems of Deportment.

            I wasn’t staying in an Agatha Christie-style English “country home,” but on a working farm, where the old stables had been remodeled into townhouses. Still, certain rules of etiquette are applicable through the centuries.

            The article criticizes Americans for their casual approach to hospitality. The British know that one must arrive sharply on the day and at the hour of invitation and leave just as punctually. We Americans tend to be more open-ended with our invitations, so there’s sometimes an air of uncertainty over when a guest is going to leave. My parents carefully trained us kids never to say, “When are you leaving?” But it was permissible, even advisable, to ask, “How long can you stay?”

            Mrs. Rayne sternly instructs us to say nothing ill of servants or hosts and “Never abuse the weather or the family dog.” Abuse in this instance means to complain about. In other words, if things aren’t to your liking, zip your lip. If the hostess has failed miserably to provide comfortable accommodations, “cut your visit short, depart gracefully, and avoid her invitations in future; but keep your discomfiture locked in your own bosom.”

            There was no discomfiture during my stay in England, and I think even Mrs. Rayne would have approved of my deportment. Except, perhaps, for that first night when I unintentionally locked my host out of his own house and he had to sleep elsewhere. A little  miscommunication. Next week I’m off to visit friends again. I’ll try not to repeat that error.