IT’S NOT HOW LONG,
BUT HOW WELL
A Widow Bit – March 2, 2009
By Mary Koch

             It should be no surprise that you can log onto the Internet and find out when you’re going to die. I always thought only God knew that. But it figures; the Internet is the new god for many.

            It won’t tell you the exact date and time of your expiration. But you can determine your life expectancy in round numbers – if you don’t mind answering a few personal questions: height, weight, family medical history, eating and exercise habits, driving record, alcohol use and smoking, including marijuana. These are not “secure” Web sites. Consequently one wonders, who’s tracking your answers?

            Most of the sites are provided by insurance and investment companies to help you figure out how much money you’ll need to get you through your lifetime. Rest assured; you don’t have enough.

            It was not my IRA that set me on this path. It was an e-mail from a friend who was responding to my revelation that I’ll turn 65 in a couple months.
            “You still have a third of your life ahead of you!” declared she, who has rounded the corner past 80. She regaled me with a long list of her achievements in her 70s.

            Thirty-plus more years? Well, not according to every actuarial chart. That’s the other thing. Each Web site I visited gave me a different answer. I could live to be 80.2 years, according to the Canadian Institute of Archives (why so conservative when Canada supposedly has one of the better health care systems in the world?). Or there’s moneycentral.msn.com, which gives me 102 years. Money central, indeed. It’s gonna take a lot of that!

            I found a site that tells your virtual age. You know, like “70 is the new 50”?  I’m virtually 46.8. I remember that year; it was good. I wouldn’t mind living it over again, except I’d hate to sacrifice everything I’ve learned since then.

            A few of the sites adjust your expected age as you answer each question. Based on my current age, I started at 82 and watched my longevity steadily climb as I gave my gender (women live longer), blood pressure (excellent), and family history (thanks, Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa) – only to see it plummet when I confessed the fact that I enjoy evening martinis. I did regain a few years because I neither smoke nor participate in recreational drugs.

            At one site, I scored points because I have pets. “People with pets live longer, on average,” advises the World Health Organization. I’m thinking the aggravation caused by Daphne, my labrador pup, might skew that average. On the other hand, she makes me laugh at least once per day.

            One site proclaimed: “How long you have lived is one of the best predictors of how long you will live.”

            Come again? I always figured, the longer you’ve been alive, the fewer years you have left. But maybe what it means is, whatever age you are, you’re over the hump, so just keep on pedaling.