NO PROBLEM TOO GREAT
FOR SIMPLISTIC SOLUTIONS
Journal of Healing – Feb. 5, 2003
By Mary Koch

Now that the groundhog has predicted that winter will end sooner or later, here is our own Dr. Schlock with equally dubious insights into the future of health care.

Remember, Dr. Schlock's opinions do not reflect the thinking of this newspaper or its management. In fact, they don't reflect any thinking at all.

Journal of Healing: Dr. Schlock, what is your reaction to President Bush's proposals for health care in his State of the Union address last week?

Schlock: The President's speech proved we're already well on our way to a healthier America!

Journal: Are you referring to his proposals for Medicare reform? Or his plans to help senior citizens buy prescription drugs?

Schlock: I'm talking about solutions that are in place and taking effect already. There's the fitness program for Congress and the President's Cabinet for starters. Didn't you see it?

Journal: See what?

Schlock: All that aerobic exercise during the speech. By some counts, the President's speech, which lasted about 60 minutes, was interrupted by applause at least 80 times — and at least half of those interruptions were standing ovations. You try standing up and sitting down every minute-and-a-half for an hour, and you'll know you've had a workout.

Journal: Yeah, but most of the time it was only the Republicans standing. What about the Democrats? How do they get their exercise?

Schlock: Running. They'll be running harder next year. A lot harder.

Journal: So, you think the Republicans are already in better shape?

Schlock: Well, you couldn't help but notice Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson doing his up-downs during the speech. Thompson recently trimmed his weight from 215 pounds to 197. Says he won't be happy 'til he hits 185.

Journal: How does that help the rest of us?

Schlock: Thompson, the former governor of Wisconsin, originally went to Washington to promote his state's two most famous products: cheese and beer. Now, he's seen the light. He's been converted. He says that because two-thirds of the American people are overweight, we have an "epidemic" of preventable diseases. He's determined to "persuade Americans to change their lifestyles."

Journal: In other words, he's not promoting beer and cheese these days.

Schlock: As a matter of fact, he's been meeting with representatives of the fast food industry, trying to get them to help combat obesity by offering healthier food choices.That could mean no more double cheese on a Big Mac.

Journal: Wonder if they'll ever let him back into Wisconsin again. Speaking of going back to where we started, what about Medicare? Government experts predict that Medicare will be out of money by 2030. What are we going to do about that?

Schlock: Problem solved. The Bush administration has already taken care of it.

Journal: What!? I've heard nothing about this.

Schlock: That's the point. You didn't and you won't. The New York Times reported that Medicare has issued a bulletin to contractors ordering them to halt outreach and education activities that inform Medicare beneficiaries of their rights.

Journal: What good will that do?

Schlock: Simple. If people don't know they're entitled to something, they won't know to ask for it. The less some people know, the better off the rest of us will be. All this proves that solving our health care problems is really pretty easy, especially if you don't think about it.